and kundlini's rise.
It was a perfect reaction for a heart expansion.
Which led to mutiple heart breaks.
All in the name of twin flames.
My experience took me through a series of belief systems that are running rampant in the spiritual community and out of the other side. My perception now is one of self respect, self empowerment, and freedom.
I wouldn't trade what I went through to be where I am- even if it was earth shattering in many ways.
At times it felt like my spirit was going to explode out of my body; like I was going to die.
Other times I felt like my mind was being exposed and layers were being ripped off joyfully by storms who didn't care that I could feel it.
To where I am, what I had perceived about God, life, and destiny was exposed and dissolved..
So maybe I can pass some of these love-learned lessons on to you?
After the most physically painful 6 months of my life: the ending of a toxic, family-pattern-repeating, I need to save and heal her, codependent relationship the term "twin flame" came up on my news feed as if Divinely placed. At first I thought she must've been my twin flame and we were going to heal and get back together. I guess false hope was better than none! Then a random meeting of a mystical self proclaimed healer of twin flames told me about false flames. I read about it, and it seemed very accurate of what I had experienced. Being drained, having fights started that didn't make sense to me and came out of nowhere just to trigger me and then exhaust me, an energy vampire who pretended to be everything I thought I wanted, but really had no clue who they were, and needed to trigger and take my energy to live off of it, and then put on the charm, false mask, and promises in order to reel me back in.
So if I had a false flame, then I must have a real flame out there!?
This sent my eyes and heart on a hunt for the next 3 years.. (well after I decided I didn't want to be with anyone at all ever again for the first year).
Then after so many visions of my life with a partner, and me doing energy healing on myself to remove all blocks to being ok with being in a relationship again.. I met her.
Someone with similar eyes and coloring, similar name, and everything I wrote down on my list of who I wanted to be with. My definition of my perfect partner. We came together like magnets. Felt so at home and like we'd been here before. I was able to be myself around her: laughing and joking. It was perfect. We even got engaged in 2 months! But that's when she ran. It was too bright, too fast, too much.
I was in shock. How could anyone move away from this kind of unique love? A love that was destined!? We HAD to be together! (I thought). We had to heal the world together! (I thought).
Then as I read more and more about the twin flame phenomenon that is all over the Internet and making many people fortunes... I was convinced we'd get back together. So I transmuted my fears and pains to love and sent it to her. She would call and text that she could feel me. I would smile- accomplished.
It took 2 months and major reluctance on her part- but we got back together. And engaged again. People (strangers) would come up to us thanking us for being together in a sacred union. They even took our picture to show others proof of what love could be like! They didn't know the darkness we faced after every high. The fear and running she would encounter every time we would plan for our future or commitment. It would tear my heart to pieces when she would say things like "love isn't all that matters". Almost to break apart the foundations of my Soul's definition. Yet, it was not a darkness of sickness and like the relationship I was in before. This was much more authentic and we did Love each other. Once, I experienced a heart orgasm and complete ecstacy in my body and soul.
I realized after time, we had a karmic tie and a soul remembrance that we took as meaning we were meant to be. Really, we felt comfortable and looked alike because we'd had lives together in the past- as sisters!
After having everything stripped from me in my life with suddenly no direction to face and a wide open world, all alone. I was bare, naked, and vulnerable with nothing and no one. I was empty. Yet, I wasn't as scared or in pain as it'd make sense to be.
I allowed the profound to take over. I felt the strength of my faith and connection to God that I had built be the only thing left under my feet, and it was enough. And although I had no money, home, job, direction, plan, or partner, I knew, just as I always was, I would be ok and taken care of.
I moved slowly and knew I needed to heal. It wasn't even her that I missed- we had great moments but she was pretty absent, even when we were beside each other. But I knew, if I loved myself at all, I needed to move on and never look back. I guess a deeper part of me knew she would come back to me (a year later, around our proposed wedding date- she did a bit of pleaing and saying she knew we were twin flames), and all of my friends who knew her asked what if she wants you back? I said: "no way!"
So, how could I choose me over destiny? To be treated and loved the way I feel in the presence of the Holy Spirit? To go without being put the the ringer?
Well I realized we are co-creators. I wanted a twin flame, an other half, a destiny, a purpose so bad, I created & attracted what would fit into making that. Although, my beliefs were flawed and my power put outside of me- so I attracted a bit of a mess. I learned that we always have choice. I learned that it is only us who can choose what makes us feel good and connected to Source at all times and no one can ever give or do that for us. I learned I would only be with someone who wanted to be with me and appreciated me as much as I of them. I learned that there is no fate or destiny- only a projection of the most likely outcome due to what you have created so far and the direction you are pointing in now, but free will always has agency to change it (thank God)! I learned that I deserve to be loved and given back to as much as I Love and give. I learned what is Truly compatible and harmonious for me. I learned that although I may have a great idea of what I would like and what would make me happy- it is limited- and to surrender to a feeling I want to have rather than being fixed on certain aspects I think would bring those feelings. I learned True freedom and felt the embrace of nothingness surround me. That no matter what happens: I am well. This feeling no one outside of me could ever manipulate. It is mine. The greatest gift.
With all of these incredible shifts and insights, I felt I needed to know if there was anything that kept me from 100% moving on from her, what would it be?
1.) Would I ever feel a soul connection and the energy movement in my body again with someone else and love them so fully? Only with someone more loving and compatible with me?
2.) Would I be able to have the Soul of the child who followed us around and kept me from leaving her so many times if I chose, in the future with someone else?
I got very quick and clear resounding YES's!
Very soon after, I met someone who showed me that I can have someone who enjoys and wants to give to me and take care with me. I enjoyed that and it was the first time I'd had that. Then shortly after I met someone who I felt a dynamic draw to, that we ended up taking on the phone for at least 3 hours a day when we weren't together. So compatible in our beliefs and interests! A really great friendship feeling still with the heat and kundalini experience. Proving it is me (my openness) that allows my expansion and experience (not another and not a "twin flame"). Although some people thought she and I also looked like twins ;p
I was gathering experiences of what things I enjoyed and what things I still needed.
I learned I needed someone who could love me in my full power and light as a healer, but also love me in my humanness, my hangry, overstimulated, need a timeout moments. Someone who could hold space for me too and see when my fear about them was just fear without taking it personal. To see me to the other side.
So, in the end, there is no end. No "one" I can't decide again. And no pre-destined journey all laid out for me. There's just my own learning of me and evolution of how I integrate more and more love and joy into my being and life. The most important relationship- my true twin flame- is all sides of me. I'm the only one I take with me when I leave this sweet and savory planet.
I appreciate, love, and honor every soul I pass. I love myself the same. This body I look down upon with the eyes of this consciousness, is who I am responsible for empowering, and making sure is vibrating and experiencing Love! Now, I get to enjoy my current friends, family, and love partner out of freedom- choice- and a true liking of who each other is and what we bring to each others life- without obligation. Life is so good. (Oh, and the one who I am with now- which I choose- and I actually LIKE as a person (regardless of us being together) has given me countless heart orgasms and expansion in all of my chakras) ;)
My advice to all of you: Don't be fooled to thinking there's someone you have to be with or is more significant for you there yourself. Don't get caught up in bringing your "twin flame" back to you. Love yourself enough to find someone who wants you here and now. All we have is now. So find a way to be in love with life now, as often as possible! And please realize you do not another (you are whole with nothing missing) to have that! Then a sweet, loving, passionate, and satisfying love can naturally enter your life because that's just who you have become on your own! :)
Love surrounds you,